Category Archives: Spirituality

March 21, 2013 · 4:22 pm

The Night I Turned the Cell Phone Off


be-healthyLove is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

For many caregivers, there is never a day off. Sure respite care is available, but even when we have a day or an hour of respite, we are always just a phone call away, and we are always wondering what is going on with our Caree.

My phone call came on Wednesday January 25 , 2006…’Chris, I am sorry to have to tell you, but Father Orlando’s kidneys have failed…I am so sorry, he does not have very long to live.” The call was surreal…My response was…”Can you hold off on giving him morphine until I get there, I want to be able to talk to him.” ‘I’m sorry, Chris…we have already started him on the morphine, we do not want him to experience any pain. Of course, I did not want him to experience any more pain, too.

When Father Orlando started his transition to eternal life, it was a peaceful 36 hours for him. While the last few years of his life were filled with many health calamities, his peaceful transition into eternal life was truly a gift from God; it was a special gift for us both.

When I arrived at the hospital, he was lying peacefully in bed with an angelic smile on his face. What was significant about Wednesday January 25th was that he was going to be discharged from the hospital that afternoon. I spent the morning preparing for his return home with a visit to the grocery store, storing up his favorite foods for the next chapter in our Caregiving journey.

004God certainly had other plans for us that day!

The next 36 hours were filled with scripture readings, visits from close friends, calls to family and a few hours of respite care from our friend Dan who had been such a great help during our Caregiving journey. The last communication I had with Father Orlando was when I was holding his hand as he gently rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand. Those gentle strokes across the top of my hand was his way of telling me that he loved me and that he was at peace. I can still feel his gentle strokes across the top of my left had today.

When he took his last breath at 1:13 am on Friday January 27th, he had that same angelic smile on his face that he did when I arrived at the hospital on Wednesday. It was at that time that I realized what an honor it is to be a caregiver.

As I walked to my car, leaving the hospital that early Friday morning was unreal as a relationship of 18 years had just ended. The intensity of being his caregiver for the last 18 months, revealed a deeper love and commitment that we had never experienced in life. Upon arriving at my car, I was finishing up with one last phone call before leaving the hospital on last time.  As I settled into my car, I could see that the light was still on in his hospital 4th floor room. Then suddenly, the light went off in his room as  I was finishing the call. I looked at my phone, then looked back up at his room and then simply turned my cell phone off.

IMG_1121The significance of turning off the cell phone was the stark realization that my role as his caregiver had ended. I could not ever remember the last time I had turned the cell phone off at night!  No were more emergencies, no more calamities, nothing more worry about, he was finally at rest.  For me, this was the start of a transition in my life in how I would love and care for him differently, that continues to evolve today.

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November 21, 2012 · 4:04 pm

‘Be A Healthy Caregiver’ on Blog Talk Radio


On Tuesday’s ‘Be A Healthy Caregiver’ show, we had a wonderful conversation with Fr. J. Lawrence Richardt from the Archdiocese of Indianapolis where we discussed how Spirituality can play a role in being a healthy caregiver.   Approaching his 50th anniversary of his ordination, Fr. Larry has been a caregiver for his mother for the past seven years in Indiana.

During our conversation we talked about:

  • How being present to others is important in ministry and in Caregiving…
  • The importance of being anchored to a larger world outside of Caregiving…
  • How Scripture and Spiritual Direction helps keep me  (us) honest…
  • How we laugh and find beauty during those dog days of caregiving…

To listen to our conversation on Blog Talk Radio, please click here.

 

Join us next Tuesday at 1:00pm (est)for another episode of ‘Be A Healthy Caregiver’ on Blog Talk Radio for a discussion with Attorney’s Ryan Shaughnessy and Michelle Silies as we discuss the importance of having your legal documents in order.  For the link to next week show you can click here

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November 13, 2012 · 9:12 pm

Be A Healthy Caregiver on Blog Talk Radio


Today on ‘Be A Healthy Caregiver’ on  Blog Talk Radio, we had a great conversation with Nancy Allegrezza, RN, Director of Marketing with Telikin Computers.  Telikin is the easy to use, all in one, touchscreen computer designed with seniors in mind. Some seniors have never become familiar with computer technology and may be intimidated by it.  Telikin helps reduce those fears. To listen to our show, click here. (Please pardon the technological problems at the start of the show)

For information on how to purchase a Telikin Computer, please click the icon below.

Join us next Tuesday, November 20th  at 1:00pm (est) for another session on ‘Be A Healthy Caregiver’ with our guest, Fr. Larry Richardt who is a retired Catholic Priest and Spiritual Director  who also acts as a caregiver for his 95-year-old mother.  Our conversation will focus on how developing a healthy spirituality can play  an important role in being a Healthy Caregiver.   Our November 20th show can be accessed by clicking here.

You see…We Might have Cancer, but Cancer Does Not have us! 

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September 2, 2012 · 3:42 pm

What A Difference A Year Makes


Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. Helen Keller
It was just one year ago that ‘The Little One‘ started his chemo and radiation treatments.  I remember one of my early blog posts during that first week of treatments entitled;  I’m Radioactive!  where ‘The Little One’ said ” I don’t care what you put into my body as long as it is going to help me beat this cancer.”

We learned that the first week of treatments is usually the easiest; we also learned six weeks later just how difficult chemotherapy was for  ’The Little One.’  What they put in his body was dreadful, yet it helped stop the spread of his cancer cells. Now a year removed from the start of his treatments,  ’The Little One’ still has his ups and downs, his good days and his bad days; we are enjoying life in the moment!   According to the American Cancer Society ”Survival rates are often based on previous outcomes of large numbers of people who had the disease, but they cannot predict what will happen to any particular person.”  (“Survival rates for,” 01).

“The Little One” was fortunate that the cancer was local and had not  metastasized. We live life in the moment, enjoying each day as an extended stay, not worried about tomorrow. Given three to four months  to live, ‘The Little One” has far exceeded anyone’s expectations (except ours!).  In 6 weeks, we will be one year past that diagnosis! He has already beaten the first survival rate indicated by the American Cancer Society which is quite an accomplishment for someone of his age.

Through our Caregiving journey we have  learned the meaning of true friends, and what is important in life.  While each one of us deals with the reality of cancer in a different way, each one of us wants to look on the bright side of life. Yesterday is gone, today is here, not sure about tomorrow. It is our hope that lets us withstand problems; it is our beliefs that let us find solutions.

Phase II of our Caregiving journey starts this September as I will be learning  a new chapter in my life;  How to take care of me!   Sounds selfish, but it is the reality that I must face.  Each one of us deals with stress in different ways.  I dealt with the stress of this past year by over eating and over thinking.  I thought I had it under control, but I was in too much control. In many ways, I am better at taking care of others than taking care of myself.  That is a paradox and may be a bit overstated, but that is my reality at the moment. Thankfully I am in a place to deal with it and fix it.

Caregivers are so focused on taking care of their loved one (caree), that we as caregivers often lose sight of self.  To be a healthy caregiver, we do not have to surrender our individuality, we have to  celebrate it!  

What are the (my)  keys to being a Healthy Caregiver?

  • Health < Healthy Caregiving Starts With You!
  • E <  Eat Healthy
  • A < Achieve Your Personal Goals
  • L < Live, Love and Laugh 
  • T < Take Time for Yourself
  • H < Heal Your Soul 
  • Y < Yearn To Care For Yourself As You Care For Others

Checking in at 250 lbs on September 1, 2012 means that I have gained 25 lbs since arriving in Florida in March and have put on almost half the weight I lost 10 years ago.  There is no blame to go around, just a stark reality of a life lesson learned.  The Helen Keller statement is so true! “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”

A lesson learned is just shelf-life if the lesson is not put into practice! 

In order to be a Healthy Caregiver, I have no choice but to take better care of myself.  There is no better way than to own it, realize it and blog about it.  As The Bow Tie Guy transforms into The Healthy Caregiver;  the lesson that  I have learned is that I have to practice what I preach.   As a proponent of a holistic life of body, mind and spirit, I must apply those principles to myself, too…DUH!

What good am I to myself and the one I care for if I allow my  health  to fail?   

I hope you will continue to join us on our new Caregiving journey!

Remember…

…We might have Cancer; but Cancer does not have US! 

 Survival rates for esophagus cancer. (01, 2012 11). Retrieved from http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/EsophagusCancer/DetailedGuide/esophagus-cancer-survival-rates

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July 24, 2012 · 8:30 am

On Borrowed Time?


 

I decided to try something different this evening with my blog post… I am using Dragon Naturally Speaking to post my blog this evening.  I have come to the realization that I am much better at speaking than I am at typing: this just might be a better way for me to communicate my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I moved forward with ‘The Purple Jacket.”  So far so good!

Jewish Halo

This past week,  The Little One had his appointment with the oncologist. What was amazing about this appointment was that I did not feel the need, nor did I have the time to go to the appointment with him.   Now the ‘Mother Hen’ in me worried all morning about the whereabouts of “The Little One” yet  I knew deep down inside me that could handle the oncologist, handle the drive down to the office and be independent.  He did not get to be 81 without some form of independence!

Just as is the primary care doctor was encouraged at his progress, so was the oncologist.  It just so happens that the oncologist and the primary care doctor share the same office space;  this convenient for sharing information between staff and doctors.  The other benefit of this location in that the chemotherapy treatments is on the site, too! This  setup has made easier, not only for “The Little One”, but for all the patients that these physicians see on a regular basis.

The oncologist continued to spread good cheer,  good health and well-being for “The Little One.”  As I mentioned in my last blog post, the oncologist had projected 3 or 4 months to live after the initial diagnosis and subsequent treatments.  While he is pleased to be proven wrong, statistically speaking, the cure rate for esophageal cancer is one of the lowest there is.  If we are going solely by the book, then 3 to 4 months is correct.

It is understandable why a diagnosis like this would be attached to such a short lifespan.  That being said,  we forged ahead mindful of the pitfalls, yet striving for the best possible results.  We never want to rule out hope!

 I guess what amazes me the most about this visit to the oncologist is not the fact that we all recognize that the little one has far exceeded anyone’s expectations; it’s why is the doctor felt like he has to end this positive visit with the words…”You know you’re on borrowed time!”

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Granted I was not there for this conversation, and I have no reason to doubt what “The Little One” has told me in regards to this conversation.  Yet, I am not sure what the purpose of comments like this does for a patient, for a caregiver or for the physician themselves?  Throughout this whole ordeal, we have taken a positive approach to dealing with the effects of cancer. We could sulked, we could  have  played the blame game, we could have gone into denial… However, what good would that have done for either one of us?  That’s just like saying…”you know we’re on borrowed time.”  

I do not claim to be a doctor, I do not claim to be a clinician, but I do believe that I understand how a positive outlook and healthy communication  can have a soothing and  healing effect on the mind, on the body, and of the spirit when dealing with critical health issues.  When you think about it,  we are all on borrowed time, yet does a cancer patient really need to be reminded of that?

Photo Credit: Pinterst

The healing power of body, mind and spirit plays such an important role in overcoming physical (and mental) illness.   To use a sports metaphor, the best defense is usually a good offense.  The best way to deal with a diagnosis of cancer is to be as realistic and honest as possible.  Our best offense was to plunge full force  When I look at this comment from the oncologist in this light, I can understand it.  Yet to presuppose a diagnosis without the addition of hope, only leads us to despair.  Reality is painful enough, more so without the effects of hope!

Sometimes Just Being There is all we need

Through this experience, I am convinced that one of the key tools in transmitting hope and reality,  is the ability to be an empathetic communicator.    Calmly… Empathy transmits hope and reality.  I don’t think that there is anymore that we can ask for when dealing with the stark reality of Cancer or any other disabling illness.

You see…We Might Have Cancer…But Cancer Does Not Have Us! 

Photo Credit: ‘The Bow-Tie-Guy”

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May 29, 2012 · 8:17 am

The Bow-Tie-Guy Tip of the Day:


Life is meant to be lived in forward, not in reverse.

Photo Credit ‘Free Digital Photo’s’

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May 10, 2012 · 11:52 am

The Bow-Tie-Guy Tip of the day


Equality is a human right, not a privilege!

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April 26, 2012 · 2:26 pm

Caregivers…”Never Alone”


One of the many things that I have missed while being away from Fort Lauderdale for the past four years has been congregation at The Sunshine Cathedral .  While attending worship services this past Sunday, the senior Pastor  Reverend Durrell Watkins,  preached on a topic that really hit home for me: his sermon was entitled, “Never Alone”.

“What I know is that prayer connects us to all the prayers of eternity and to all the people who have ever prayed and so the very act of prayer is a reminder that we are not alone, and if we are not facing the challenges of life alone, then hope, peace, and joy are always possible and that’s pretty miraculous.”   Reverend Durrell Watkins Sunday April 22, 2012.

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March 17, 2012 · 8:50 am

The Three Emotions…


Care-giving is an emotional experience.   Caregivers often find themselves in roles that they do not choose, yet embrace the role when called to care for a loved one.  When you are entrusted with the care of another human being, it is the greatest honor that can be bestowed on yourself.   When we are grounded in the spirit of God’s love, there is no burden a caregiver cannot overcome.  In essence, all we can really do is love God and let God take away all our pain.

Providing a beautiful sunset to ones life can take its toll on a caregiver, yet no one in modern society should be left to die alone.   One of the most beautiful analogies that I learned during my Clinical Pastoral Education training encompassed how society (and the medical profession) has changed their views on the birthing process.   Now in most cases, the birthing process is a celebratory experience where the entire family is in the delivery room witnessing and welcoming  the birth of a new family member:  It is a celebration of life, a welcoming of sorts…it is a good thing! When I was born, this type of practice was not in vogue.

As we make our transition from life on earth to eternal life, that same spirit at the birthing process needs to be transferred at the time of this transition.  All to often people are left to make their transition on their own.  While death often leaves us with an empty and aching heart, helping to facilitate a happy transition can be a meaningful experience for ALL involved in the process.  Yet death brings such raw emotions to the table: unfinished business, our own mortality, our sense of loss.  Death is not an easy component of life, yet is not a final good-bye appropriate?

When we are left behind,  we are often left with three emotions:

1. Sadness…That the loved one has moved on to another form of life.

2. Relief…That the care-giving experience is over.

3. Guilt…That your life continues on without the one you loved and cared for.

All three emotions are proper, with the strongest of the three being guilt.  Yet when we turn these emotions over to God (or a higher spirit), there is a healthy transition for all involved in the experience.   Just as we can’t do life alone, we can’t do death alone either.

Today, my friend Fr. Richard Orlando would have celebrated his 89th birthday and just this week, I learned that it is OK for him to be gone in the physical sense of life as we know it.  It’s a healthy realization that life moves on while the spirit stays with us in celebration until we see them again.

Don’t miss out on a chance to celebrate life…love the one your with, care for them like you would want to be cared for yourself.  Celebrate Life, in all its forms!

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March 9, 2012 · 3:06 pm

Florida arrival


We arrived safe and sound in Deerfield Beach this week. While we miss our family and friends in St. Louis, We are both thankful to be in South Florida.

This afternoon we are visiting the primary care physician; Monday the cardiologist and Tuesday the Oncologist. The report today at the PCP has been great. There is weight gain, all the critical numbers are good. The doctor is quite pleased, and so are we…This has been a remarkable recovery!

It’s great to share our sunshine with you from the Sunshine State!

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