The Opinion Which Other People Have Of You Is Their Problem, Not Yours ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
The Late Bernard Richard Schiffer and Chris MacLellan
Along the way during our Caregiving journey, I have been asked many times, “Are there any difference for same-sex couples in Caregiving?” “No, not really,” I would say, “as Caregivers, we simply care for the one we love.”
Caregiving usually not something that is on our bucket list of things that we want to do, Caregiving just happens! Suddenly, an untimely diagnose is presented to us, or an unfortunate accident happens, and within a moments notice, two or more lives are changed and you are a family Caregiver. That is why there is no gender or orientation boundaries when it comes to being a family Caregiving, we simply care for the one we love.
Caregiving can be an intense experience which will ask you to surrender yourself and your own needs, for the needs of someone else. Often you have to give up things you love, in order to care for the one you love.
Is there a theme here about love?
Sure there are some things that all of us can do to make our Caregiving journey “easier.” Do you have your legal documents in place and up-to-date? That includes our Living Will, Health Care Proxy, Power of Attorney, DNRO (No Not Resuscitate Order) Last Will and Testament: having these documents in place and up-to-date anyone, and readily available regardless of what side of the orientation fence you stand on is critical…for everyone, regardless of what side of the fence you live on!
However, I am not naïve and do realize that there are some differences for LGBT Caregivers.
For instance, Same-sex couples walking into a hospital emergency room are more likely to be “questioned” about the nature of their relationship where as a man and a women, in the same setting, probably would not often face the same scrutiny. What is “funny” about this is that many of the unmarried heterosexual couples I spoke with after our 2015 Pulitzer Prize nominated story, In Sickness and In Health: A Couple’s Final Journey was published last year did not realize that their rights as a couple we not protected under the law, because they are not married.
In our society, we do not like to talk about death and dying, and that is why many people go years without updating their important legal documents that will ensure their wishes are followed at the time when a life transitions. But when you get right down to it, rights granted by the laws of marriage are mingled with death and dying. Did you know that in every state of the nation the “next of kin” for an adult is the spouse? Once you’ve been denied the right to be with the one you love at the time of their death, then you will fully grasp the meaning of marriage inequality. When asked “who are you’ by medical staff, or to be told, “you’re not next of kin” after your partner has died, clearly demonstrates the injustice.
Has an unmarried heterosexual couple ever been denied the right to be with their loved on at the time life transitions? My guess is probably so, especially when unscrupulous family members get involved. LGBT couples know about that experience, too!
Same sex couples have always known a marriage license is not needed to solidify love. However, this license does solidify equal rights. Bigotry and hatred, unfortunately, will always surround us, yet the “license” provides clear legal protection to all married couples, just as having all of our legal documents in place will do for each one of us.
Yes, there are some differences LGBT Caregivers face, the differences maybe subtle to some, yet important to others; mind-boggling , yet fixable. While it is reported that LGBT seniors people are more likely to live alone, more likely not to access medical services in fear discrimination, there are many straight seniors out there who live alone, need transportation, fear going to the doctor. We are all in the same Caregiving ship, trying to row upstream in a waves that sometimes makes it difficult to navigate. Why do our “systems” want to hinder care to anyone, that is the puzzling question of them all?
Yes while “systems” might treat LGBT Caregivers differently, there is no doubt that love, care and commitment, is the same for any two people, no matter what system you have to use, one’s gender or orientation, or who travel with on your Caregiving journey, because in the end, love wins.
P.s., If you have not had your legal documents reviewed by your attorney in the past two years, now is the time to do it pick up the phone, call your attorney, update your documents. It is the right thing to do!
Chris MacLellan is the author of “What’s The Deal With Caregiving” and the host of “Healing Ties”